Great Expectations

(Part two of MY LIFE, with my child in the LEAD ROLE)

 How many times have you said “my kid IS going do this and my kid WILL NEVER do that”?

Before OUR babies are even born, THEY had huge shoes to fill (literally and figuratively)! GOD knows it doesn’t take long for US to bog them down, with a LAUNDRY LIST of things they must and will accomplish DURING THEIR LIFETIME! The sad part is that WE ignore the fact that this is INHERENTLY WRONG.

YES, WE want OUR children to demonstrate various desirable qualities. Such as being:  kind, loving, independent, loyal, generous, intelligent, driven… Shall I continue??? ;)

 HOWEVER, this is where WE must draw the line.

“MY CHILD’S LIFE ISN'T MY CHANCE TO RIGHT MY WRONGS!!!!!!”

Too often, WE as parents look at OUR child’s life, as OUR “do over”.

WE have to recognize how detrimental this way of thinking is (to OUR children and to OURSELVES)! Yes, WE should (absolutely) try to discourage OUR children from making the same mistakes that we made. In fact, we should even put safe guards in place to help them avoid the pitfalls WE WERE UNABLE TO AVOID (But we have to proceed with caution)…

WE CAN’T TREAT THEM AS AN OFFENDER, JUST BECAUSE WE WERE. WE also cannot give them OUR DREAMS UNLESS they want them for themselves! AS parents, WE have every right to Define OUR desires for them, NOT expectations! Remember THESE (desires vs. expectations) are too distinctly different things!

A few things to remember:

·         They have to make their own mistakes its unavoidable

·         Share your past with your kids especially your hard knocks

·         Don’t set up extreme safe guards for your kids because you are scared that they will make the same mistakes

·         LET YOUR CHILD LIVE THEIR LIFE NOT THE LIFE YOU WANTED TO LIVE

Remember, WE are required to love, educate and guide them. IF WE do OUR BEST to be GREAT parents… They will probably do THEIR BEST to be GREAT kids aka HUMAN BEINGS!;)

THE GOOD, the BAD & the UGLY…

When I DREAMED of being a Parent… I DIDN’T DREAM of being WEIGHED DOWN with lists, tasks, stress and (occasional) feelings of INADEQUACY… However, that IS exactly what I KNOWINGLY and

WILLINGLY signed up for! 

PLEASE DON’T GET ME WRONG, I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT, KIND, LOVING

CHILD THAT GIVES MY LIFE PURPOSE AND SUBSTANCE…

The problem is trying to find a HEALTHY BALANCE of enjoying THE GOOD. While SIFTING through the, NOT SO GOOD!

For some reason, MOST of US are taught that if WE talk about what is bothering US, then WE are WEAK minded and ungrateful to be parents (I have personally felt that way from time to time). In addition, WE have the tendency to beat OURSELVES up for not being the “perfect” parent (that we VOWED to be, before WE were actually parents)!

“I mean all we have to do is FEED, CLOTHE, SHELTER AND LOVE OUR KID…”

How hard can that really be??? LMAO;)

“WHOM EVER” came up with that shortlist, forgot a few things:

·         From day one, WE are responsible for making SURE OUR child has breast milk and not formula (to insure that they will be good in math aka mathematician).

·         WE should also make sure that OUR child has the cutest/ trendiest clothes to show that US and OUR baby’s are little fashionista’s.

·         In addition, THEY must have toys that stimulate brain development. To insure that OUR baby will be as smart as possible!

·          THE LIST GOES ON AND ON, BUT I WILL STOP HERE!

 Now do you get why WE are under so much pressure?

Yes, these are things that MAY OR MAY NOT be NECESSARY... However, as “GOOD” parents WE are “supposed” to be WILLING TO GO ABOVE AND BEYOND for our LITTLE ANGELS! RIGHT???

There is a HUGE difference between COMPLAINING AND ACKNOWLEDGING the obvious!

SIDENOTE: Even professionals with degrees and credentials have a trusted professional to vent to! So shouldn’t we allow ourselves the same luxury???

• As parents, it is important for US to communicate OUR feelings and frustrations with others (preferable friends, family and/or professionals). 
• This is the only way that WE can truly continue being the Best PARENTS WE CAN possibly BE!
• Reaching out TO OTHERS and voicing OUR frustrations keeps US from BOTTLING UP OUR EMOTIONS AND POSSIBLY HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!
• Balance is the key, but practice is the only thing that makes “perfect”.  

PARENTING is FULL of rewards and pitfalls (as are MOST things worth having). As long as WE are honest with OURSELVES (regarding our boundaries and limitations)… WE will have MORE GOOD than BAD & UGLY!

REMEMBER, the PEOPLE who can clearly see their flaws, are usually the MOST SUCCESSFUL! ;)

The Gift of GOD

GOD has made it EXTREMELY clear that EACH and EVERY one of US has been BLESSED with the GIFT of “free will”. Therefore, (even as a PARENT) it is NOT MY job NOR is it MY right to FORCE GOD down my child’s throat!!!! Most of US have WONDERFUL intentions for OUR children’s lives. HOWEVER, THEY have the CHOICE to come to GOD when THEY are ready!

Over the last few months, I have read several AMAZING books. One in particular, talked about the BEST way to MAKE sure that YOUR child WANTS to have a relationship with GOD…

Are you ready??? The answer was simple, yet complex…

“Make sure that YOU are setting an example for them to emulate!”

In other words, PRACTICE what YOU PREACH (No PUN intended ;). WE have to make sure that OUR children see US actively seeking a RELATIONSHIP with HIM (by INVITING HIM into ALL the aspects of OUR lives)! More importantly, WE have to make sure that they understand that HE is and will ALWAYS be THEIR best friend.

I’m always telling Nani that she ONLY has ONE perfect PARENT. I make sure that she KNOWS that “MOMMY and DADDY” will hurt her (intentionally or unintentionally) though out HER life. For that reason, I remind HER that this is why she NEEDS to TRUST and DEPEND on GOD (more and more each day).

Now keep in mind, that I am doing ALL I can to be “Mother of the YEAR”! Unfortunately, I am human (therefore flawed) and sometimes I WILL FAIL!

In an effort to keep her from taking MY shortcomings PERSONAL, (as most of US do when WE are hurt by those WE love) I MUST create a BRIDGE between HER and OUR HEAVENLY FATHER (to ENSURE that HE will be able to pick up for MY slack). This process is meant to allow HER to cultivate a PERSONAL relationship with GOD for HERSELF (in order to use ME and OTHERS less and less, as a “middleman”).

When GOD BLESSES US with a child, HE is merely loaning THEM to US. WE must make every attempt to GIVE them BACK to HIM! WE have to make sure that WE give THEM every opportunity possible to BUILD a strong RELATIONSHIP with GOD from DAY ONE.

This is a touchy subject for MOST, so I will NOT go on and on! However, I will leave you with this simple thought to ponder…

When WE are preparing and planning for OUR child’s FUTURE and ALL the details of THEIR lives. WE have to be certain, NOT to forget to overlook the BIGGER picture. WE have to make sure that THEY are equipped spiritually, so they can TRULY FULFILL THEIR DESTINY on this EARTH.

THEREFORE, WE must make sure that WE expose THEM to the GIFT of GOD and ALL the MIRACULOUS LOVE HE has to OFFER to THEM and US… ;)

What LEGACY are WE leaving for OUR children?

LEGACY is defined as anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor. Synonyms for LEGACY are words such as inheritance, birthright, bequest and heritage. Each of these words evokes the same thought for me.

"That SOMETHING precious is being given or shared with SOMEONE precious…"

When OUR children are born they need THINGS. So in preparation for their arrival, WE get them things! WE get so overwhelmed by all the tasks that must be done, that WE often overlook an important question that MUST be answered…

What LEGACY do WE want pass on to OUR child?

OUR Legacy should be about OUR character and who WE are as individuals. WE need to make sure that WE can clearly verbalize OUR Legacy to OUR children. For example, “I want to be HONEST, even when it is difficult. I want to think of ways to make the world a better place. I want to be someone who is respected because I carry myself with dignity and respect. Therefore, I want to PASS these important attributes on to my child, as part of my LEGACY.”

Most of US want OUR kids to be loving, smart, successful and wonderful! BUT what are WE doing to insure that OUR actions will ensure the above results?

TOO often WE as parents are inadvertently saying, “Do as I say not as I do!” THEN, WE have the nerve to be upset and disappointed when OUR kids are not doing what WE haven’t been able to do OURSELVES (surprise surprise)…

It boils down to an oldie but goodie concept of “Monkey see monkey do” (sorry but this is the first thing that popped in my head to illustrate my point ;) In other words, LEAD by example! If WE want OUR children to be and do THEIR best WE must be willing to SHOW them how “IT” is done!

How do I determine what I want My LEGACY to be?

WE have to take time to figure out what matters to US as individuals and try OUR best to figure out how to make those things matter to OUR kids. For example, being selfless is very important to me, so I try my best to instill selflessness in Nani (by volunteering with various organizations that allow children to volunteer as well). I want her to grow up seeing ME do what I say I want HER to do.

OUR children are OUR time capsules, they have the ability to preserve a part of US like no other. WE have to make sure that WE are living a life that exemplifies OUR Legacies. 

After all, they deserve to have an “inheritance” to be proud of. When they talk about who WE are (in this world or up above), they should be able to feel prideful because WE left them with a Legacy like no other!

Beautiful from the Inside OUT!

My parents have always stressed the importance of inner beauty to me and my sister (ever since WE were little girls). They would say, “Always say thank you when someone gives you a complement. NEVER say, I know! Because, there is NOTHING worse than a PRETTY girl with an UGLY attitude!!!”  So, it was only natural for me to do the same with my daughter. However, I am finding more and more parents are forgetting to TEACH this important lesson to their little ones.

Intelligence, compassion, diligence, integrity and selflessness are truly BEAUTIFUL! However, WE have to make sure that WE are praising OUR kids when they display these precious BEAUTIFUL attributes. More importantly, WE have to constantly remind THEM that their “inner” beauty ALWAYS supersedes their “outer” beauty!

Why should WE down play the fact that WE have a BEAUTIFUL child/children?

WELL, there is a little thing called VANITY and IT is extremely DANGEROUS! Defining ourselves based solely on our external beauty is detrimental to OUR quality of life. Beauty IS and will ALWAYS be subjective! As a result, most of US will always look to others to help US to determine what WE think is BEAUTIFUL or NOT. Therefore, IF and WHEN someone does not validate OUR "beauty", WE are often left feeling UGLY, WORTHLESS and SELF CONSCIOUS!!!

Now does that sound like any way to live each day? Furthermore, do WE want THAT for OUR children???

Most of US love wearing nice clothes, getting OUR Herr DID and looking PRETTY. There is NOTHING inherently wrong with that! The PROBLEM is when that is OUR only CONCERN! WE have to talk to OUR children about what truly defines them as an individual, their character and their TRUE BEAUTY. WE have to make sure they see the VALUE in having INTEGRITY and CHARACTER!

WE have to constantly praise them for the “inner” qualities they display, that make US proud to call them OUR CHILD! Building confidence always sounds like it’s a difficult task… BUT it really isn’t when you think about it. Telling OUR kids what WE love about them is the EASY PART. WE just have to make the TIME to remember to do it MORE often (which seems to be the HARD PART).

WE have to CONSTANTLY work against the MEDIA and the fact that it is CONSISTENTLY teaching US and OUR kids to judge things based on the way they APPEAR! WE have to explain (using age appropriate examples) these type of things (like how the media and advertising agencies thrive off of making money above ALL else) to them so THEY are prepared to deal with these ISSUES effectively!

SIDENOTE: WE really have to STRESS this with OUR daughters now more than ever! NOT because boys shouldn’t have inner beauty. BUT because OUR society objectifies WOMEN more and more each day. Little girls are being taught to define themselves solely by their OUTER appearance (EEEEEWWWWW, how freakin shallow and tragic is that)!

WE need to make sure that they know they are LOVED because of who they ARE! Not because OF the way the look or what THINGS they have.  WE are ALL unique individuals and the things that make US the most beautiful are the things that can’t be easily seen.

OUR true BEAUTY must be sought after and searched for just like a buried TREASURE. Whether they have missing teeth, an oversized head or any other physical issue… WE ARE ALWAYS able to see their TRUE BEAUTY clearly, WE just have to TEACH them to be able to do the SAME! ;) 

Embrace Your Biggest Fan!

The other day Nani and I were watching “Celebrity Apprentice” and she says, “Mom you should be on that show since you are a Project Manager too!” Unfortunately, she doesn’t realize I’m NOT a celebrity! However, it really made my day that she thinks so HIGHLY of me (that she felt it was perfectly acceptable for me to be featured on the show)! LOL ;)

I started thinking about how lucky I am to have the BEST “Fan Club President” EVER!

Sometimes WE may become overwhelmed with LIFE, that WE forget that there is ALWAYS at least one person (in OUR lives) who is ALWAYS cheering US on!  OUR children are always willing and able to give US the BOOST WE need to KEEP GOING!

Unconditional LOVE and SUPPORT is valuable, no matter what size or shape it comes in! WE have to do a better job of remembering that! OUR children want nothing more than to love US (that is until they start asking for a Wii, New J’s and/or OUR good old fashion cash)! ;)

There are so many days when WE feel like WE are doing everything by OURSELVES! BUT OUR little ones are usually right there in the “trenches” with US! WE can’t make IT a habit to forget that fact, its NOT fair to them. They love US and appreciate US even when WE may NOT think WE are being loved and appreciated. More importantly, their commitment and loyalty to stand by US is ASTOUNDING!

As parents WE have to remember to thank OUR kids for being “the best part of OUR day!”(I stole that from Verizon but it’s the TRUTH)! I literally tell Nani, “Thanks for being the BEST part of my day!” and then I clear my throat to serve as her cue to tell me the same. Now, it may seem corny but this is a part of me building HER self worth and personal value (when I am verbalizing to her that she is appreciated and significant as a human being)!

SIDENOTE: It’s absolutely important to teach OUR kids that WE appreciate them and in return THEY need to appreciate US. This process is essential, in order to build a healthy parent/child relationship. Because there IS nothing worse than a bratty teen that hasn’t been taught to appreciate Mom and/or Dad!

The purpose of this post is simple… WE have to make sure that WE give credit where credit IS do! OUR little ones love US and support US, in good times and in bad and for richer or poorer… For those reasons alone, WE should make sure that WE let them know how much WE appreciate what THEY have brought to OUR quality of life! Joy, happiness and L-O-V-E, to go ALONG with the BLOOD, SWEAT and TEARS (I’m NOT that blinded by LOVE to leave that out!)  ;)

So the next time you are having one of those days, when you feel like NO one understands YOU or that all YOU do is in vain … Find your “biggest fan” and give him/her a huge HUG and say “THANK YOU for thinking that I AM are the GREATEST parent ever and I love & appreciate YOU more than YOU know!” ;)

****The POST above may or may NOT represent the views of TEENS or TWEENS. However, IT did at least apply to you when your child was in grade school and younger. ;)****

Are you raising a Dependent OR Independent Child?

The day a fawn is born, its natural instincts immediately begin kick in. The fawn and its mother have to do everything possible to get the fawn walking (and soon running) just a few hours after it’s born. Why is that? Doesn’t the “mommy” understand that the fawn was just born? She must not really love her newly born fawn! Otherwise, she wouldn’t place such high expectations on it. Of course, it’s just the opposite! The mother understands that her fawn is extremely VULNERABLE and the LONGER he is unable to run from DANGER… The more likely he is to be KILLED! Therefore, the mother takes the necessary steps to ensure her baby is INDEPENDENT from day one!

I love watching Animal Planet because you would be surprised how much you can learn about “parenting” from other species.  What I love about animals is that they don’t have all of the distractions (clothes, toys, vacations, the list goes on) that WE have. Therefore, they are usually on point with “their” parenting objective. Which IS to raise a happy, healthy, independent (fill in the species but for US its CHILD). This is also supposed to be OUR objective as well!  It sounds simple but WE all know it’s easier said then done!

OUR relationship starts out with them being 100% helpless/dependent on US. BUT it’s only TEMPORARY! WE have to constantly remind OURSELVES of this fact more often, so WE don’t set them up to fail! As parents WE have to continuously “encourage” OUR children to challenge themselves. WE also have to make TIME to TEACH them what they need to know to survive in this world without US.

I’m not talking about making your child grow up too fast or miss out on his/her childhood. I’m just suggesting that WE make more of an effort to make SURE that WE aren’t doing little things for OUR little ones, that they can do themselves! Like wiping the table after a meal, putting dirty clothes in the hamper or putting toys in the toys box. These are small tasks that help them work up to larger tasks (as they get older).

Like animals, each day should be spent preparing them for the day when they are going to be living in “the wild” without US! WE have to help build their skills and confidence (while they are kids) so they will be prepared to deal with all of the twists and turns that are sure to come their way (as adults).

More importantly, WE all make mistakes (especially as children). Therefore, WE need to provide OUR kids with the opportunity to fall on their faces while they have US to catch them. Trail and error has to be apart of their daily lives or WE all suffer. They suffer because they don’t learn and WE suffer because WE end up having to do for them, what they should be able to do for THEMSELVES!

WE have to stop thinking that WE love them so much that WE want to do everything for them! Instead WE have to realize that WE love them TOO much to leave them Vulnerable to the DANGERS of living a Dependant Lifestyle…

Do you need to Get YOUR Tears OUT?

When Nani gets upset or something is bothering her. I say, “Do you need to get your tears OUT?” If her

answer is yes, she will immediately start crying. Then, that is my cue to be her “soft place to fall” and to 

comfort her through her pain. Within five minutes, she usually feels much better and is ready to continue taking on the rest of her day.

It took me a while to realize that most of US, are never taught NOR given permission to grieve over OUR pain! As kids, WE are almost always taught that WE need to “shake it off” to show WE are strong. In the process, WE become disconnected from OURSELVES and OUR emotions!

It wasn’t until I had a supersensitive child, that I realized I had been “incorrectly” programmed. My whole life (until a couple of years ago) was spent showing that I was “strong” and that I didn’t need to get “emotional” over silly things (pretty much everything was classified as “silly”). Unfortunately, I didn’t realize how much I was being damaged in the process… When you don’t allow yourself to “feel”, you become detached from reality (the reality of how you really feel about “things”). Trust me when I say, I’m not exaggerating! This is exactly what happens.

Teaching OUR children to follow in OUR “strong” footsteps, not only hinders their growth and development. But it also makes them more prone to use drugs, alcohol, or other harmful coping mechanisms (to offset the fact that they aren’t dealing with their emotions). OUR emotional health is NOT to be taken lightly! It is what drives every other aspect of OUR lives (mental, physical and emotional). The state of OUR emotional health is what keeps US on the straight and narrow. Or what pushes US off of the deep end!

As a parent, I am able to justify making the time and effort to make sure my child is “wired” correctly. In others words, I am willing to do everything in my power to make sure that she is emotionally healthy! Even though (previously), I didn’t think I deserved the same for myself. It’s funny how you can start doing something selflessly for someone else and then you end up helping yourself in the process. Now I read lots of self help books, I journal (to help me acknowledge my feelings and to help me process them in a healthy manner), and I have also made a commitment to strive to be emotionally healthy everyday!

Don’t get me wrong, this is a constant daily struggle! However, practice definitely makes perfect. Even though sometimes I feel like a psychopath (because this is all new to me and dealing with your feelings ALL the time can be emotionally and mentally draining)! I am still committed to leading by example. ;)

I’m still adjusting to asking myself “Do I need to get my tears out?” However, it feels great to be more connected to myself, my feelings and my emotions. Most of all, it feels fantastic to know, that my daughter will grow up knowing she is “strong” enough to deal with her emotions (because it will be all she knows). Instead of growing up thinking that she needs to keep her emotions hidden from herself and the world! That in itself, makes IT alllllllllllllllll worth it…

Take OFF the Cape

Day in and day out I find myself trying to go above and beyond, to prove (to myself and the world) that “I can do it by myself!” (in my Best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice). As parents, WE feel the need to make sure that WE not only have a “perfect” child, but WE also aspire to be “perfect” parents. Each day WE try OUR best to make sure that our child is loved, happy, healthy, safe and protected. In addition, WE also want our kids to be involved in COUNTLESS extracurricular activities AND have the BEST of everything! Just reading all that makes you tired! LOL;)

In an effort to accomplish ALL of these overwhelming goals, WE feel that WE must become a “cape wearing Superparent!” For some reason WE feel compelled to do as much as WE can by OURSELVES! Unfortunately, this is a story told a million different ways using a million different faces. In other words, WE are NOT alone!

One day I took some time to really think about what it was I was trying to prove.  The conclusion was simple yet complicated… “I never want to be viewed as incapable OR incompetent in any area of my life (especially when it comes to parenting)!!! Therefore, in MY mind if I ask for HELP it will be viewed as me being WEAK, INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT!!! It’s sad to admit, but I think this is basically why most of US start out “wearing OUR capes” to begin with.

Now the question becomes “How do WE take OFF the cape?”

First, WE have to change our thought process! WE have to stop thinking that asking for help OR using OUR resources is a sign of weakness (which is absolutely FALSE and ABSURD)! WE have to remind OURSELVES that “good” parents are willing to put their child’s needs before their EGO. Lastly, WE have to remember that WE are not Superheros, Superparent’s or Superhuman. Therefore, WE can and will have some sort of mental, physical and/or emotional breakdown if WE continue “wearing the cape”.

So the moral of the story is…. If WE are honestly using OUR resources wisely and if WE are dedicated to being the BEST parents that WE can be… Then WE ARE and WILL always be the BEST parents in the eyes of OUR child, with or without the cape! However, until WE are ready to change OUR way of thinking and how WE choose to process OUR reality… Then THE SAGA will continue with US pretending to be something WE can never be!

What are your goals for your Family?

A few years ago, I read what has now become one of my favorite parenting books. The book stated that we should clearly define “our” goals for our families. Unfortunately, I wished that I had read the book a year earlier… Before my ex-husband and I had decided to divorce. I thought about how useful it might have been, had we actually taken a little time to make a simple list of what we wanted for our family.

Now, three years later my daughter and I have a “clearly defined list” of what our family goals are. It is a short list that resides on our fridge, to serve as a constant reminder of what is important to us. For anyone who has gone through the pain, loss and disappointment of divorce. You understand how difficult it is to figure out how to rebuild your life. Its ironic that this simple list has helped us to stay focused on our family goals.

Our goals are simple but what they signify is massive! We try to live our lives each day with our goals in mind, each step of the way! Some days are easier then others, but as long as we make an effort that’s all that matters! Our love for life and each other makes all of the blood, sweat and tears worth while!

Each day holds at least 20 distractions that can easily knock you off of your “A” game. But, when you remind yourself of what is really important… It is much easier to remind yourself to focus on what matters instead of spending precious time focused on what doesn’t matter!

As someone who has had to rebuild their live from “ground zero”, I understand how overwhelming life can be. However, I have seen first hand how “setting family goals” can enrich your family beyond recognition! Take an hour out of one day and have a family meeting (weekly, bimonthly or monthly, what ever works best for your family). Create a list that is representative of every one (in the family) and watch what happens next! Please remember that it only takes two to make a family.

If your child is too young to voice his/her opinion, still make family goals. It will serve as a blueprint to follow now and in the future. Actually, the truth is that the goals can and will change as the family grows and progresses with each passing year. Various dynamics and milestones will change your family goals. The point is that you are focused on being focused and committed to building the strongest, most loving and healthy family as possible!